1935-2023
Two months ago yesterday, I had the honor of being at my father’s bedside as he passed away. His death was not unexpected–we knew the day was coming.
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| Raul Gonzales in McAllen, TX, July 2021 |
My father Raul Gonzales, better known as “Speedy”, was surrounded by many love ones as he took his last breath. He had been on hospice for about 3 months. It was uncanny how close they were at predicting how much time we had left with him.
My sister Sandy, who lived nearby to him, called my older sister Teresa and I home in August when it was decided to bring hospice in. At the time, we spent as much quality time with him, discussed plans with hospice, while also beginning the unpleasant task of pre-arranging his funeral. Teresa and I returned to our respective homes a few days later and waited.
Less than 3 months later, it was clear he was declining further. He had dementia, which had been evident for a number of years, but it was the physicality of his situation that was slowing taking him away from us. He was forgetting how to swallow. Sandy called us to come home again on the recommendation of hospice if we wanted to have any additional quality time with him. I drove this time as I didn’t know how long I was going be away. I made sure to pack a dark suit. I drove from Denver heading to the St Louis metro area. My sister Teresa flew into Kansas City from DFW so she could drive the final 4 hours with me. It gave us time to catch up. Once in back in Illinois, we worked on finding him 24 hour care for those last days. We sat with him and told stories and he would respond. By this time, he was getting so weak, it was hard to understand him. He always knew who we were when we were with him which was a blessing. I got to watch him say goodbye to my mom in his own way. It was a special moment for her.
Rather than declining further, he seemed to stabilize. I ended up staying 2 weeks, spending time with my dad each day. But I needed to head home. His birthday was just a week and a half away, and I already had a plane ticket to come spend that day with him. It made it easier to say good-bye. “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks”. I spent 2 days driving home. It gave me time to decompress.
I was only home 5 days when Sandy called and said it was time to come back.
I hopped in the car and headed back, bringing with me the hamper of dirty laundry I had just carted home a few days earlier. Teresa flew in from DFW again.
He was with us another day and a half. He had a lot of visitors wanting to see him and say goodbye. Many stories were retold around his bedside. Even in his weaken state, having been in bed now for over a week, a deliberate smile would form on his face when the story was especially funny. I told a story about when he gave me the “birds and bees” talk. I had said something really stupid as a 12yo boy during that uncomfortable conversation. It made him smile to hear me retell it.
Two hours before he passed, he opened his eyes one more time. He kept them open for an hour as JoAnn, his long time partner, spoke soothingly to him and reminded him of the wonderful times they spent together. The hospice nurse said she had never seen anything like that before. Afterwards, he closed his eyes a final time and the nurse told us to gather around him and touch him. There were so many of us–I can’t begin to remember who all was there. We all stood around him silently as he slowly and gracefully slipped away.
Being a family history buff, I wanted to be involved in writing his obituary. My sisters gave their input as well. I wanted it to honor my father’s life, but also stand the test of time. It had to navigate interesting family dynamics while also being true to my father’s story. His obituary can be found here.
I gave his eulogy at his memorial service. I had been working it out in my head for weeks. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be. He was then buried with military honors at Jefferson Barracks in St. Louis Missouri four days before his 88th birthday. It is an amazing cemetery. One that I will enjoy visiting many times in the years to come. I know that is a weird thing to say, but I am proud that it is my dad's final resting place.
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| Jefferson Barracks, St. Louis, MO, 27 Nov 2023 Photo Credit: Melanie Malone used with permission |
Later that evening we celebrated his life with Mexican food and a Mariachi band. It was one of his requests. My sisters and I wore cowboy hats to honor his Texas heritage. We danced and drank many margaritas. It was a perfect way to end a difficult day surrounded by family and close friends.
My father never knew his father. My grandfather died a few months before my dad was born. And he never had a good picture of him. I hope he is getting to know him now. My second blog post discusses how finding my grandfather’s death certificate online kicked off my interest in my family history. Back then, I made it one of my goals to find a distant family member that may have a picture of my grandfather.
By the looks of my blog history, my last post was June 12, 2017. Just 3 months after that post, someone reached out to me asking how she and I might be related. She said she had some old family photos...
My dad's passing has inspired me to blog again about my findings. That "reach out" sounds like an excellent topic to write about next.
